I Got You This Vietnamese Mossy Frog by Kate Maxlow

I Got You This Vietnamese Mossy Frog by Kate Maxlow

Hey, Emma, thanks again for coming to my talk yesterday. Most people just roll their eyes when I get excited about frogs, but not you. You actually listen. You’re a good friend. Not just someone I tutor in biology. You’re different…in a good way. And I’m sorry I couldn’t buy you lunch after. I know you’re busy. So, to show my appreciation, I got you this Vietnamese Mossy Frog. It’s a pretty good “beginner” frog. It’s often mistaken for Theloderma asperum, Theloderma stellatum, and Theloderma albopunctatum, but don’t worry—I had a DNA test done to make sure it’s actually Theloderma corticale. Look at its beautiful mottled skin, verdant and umber ridges making it almost melt into the tree. You could walk right by one of these things in the Vietnamese rainforest, or even in Laos or southern China! Imagine that. They call it “Vietnamese” but its range is so much broader. Also, they breed in holes in rocks and trees. If you don’t have any holes in your furniture, you might consider cutting some so the frog feels more at home.

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Happy birthday, Emma! Go ahead, unwrap your present. That’s right—another frog! The glass frog (family Centrolenidae) may not be the most interesting frog ever, but it’s definitely in the top ten. Look, turn it upside down—you can see its actual stomach and everything. You can watch it digest its food! Do you have any crickets, flies, or moths? Oh, don’t worry, I brought some, just in case. Although I have to say, I’m a bit worried you don’t have a fresh supply…what are you feeding the other frogs? You know what? I’ll set up an automatic insect delivery to your house. Let’s see, with your work schedule…would Saturdays be best? No, no, it’s no trouble at all.

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Happy Halloween! Love your owl costume! You probably didn’t know this, but owls eat frogs sometimes. Don’t worry—I won’t hold it against you! Hey, you are absolutely going to love this. The hairy frog, also known as the Wolverine frog, can force its own sharpened bones through its skin when attacked. (I remember that you once said you were going to see that new X-Men movie with that guy, Brad or Chad or whatever.) And—I’m sorry, I don’t understand. No, it’s a gift, see? Why wouldn’t you want it? No, I understand that your bathroom is now overflowing with frogs, but they don’t all need to be kept in the bathroom. For instance, the Pacman frog that I got you for Easter is actually pretty resilient and—Okay. Okay. I get it. You have enough frogs. This is the last frog. Yes. I said yes. Fine, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to croak. (Get it?) Okay, here’s your Wolverine frog. Just don’t grab it too quickly or you might get sliced open! Haha. Hey, by the way, would you like to—? No, no problem. Of course. Probably have a date with Thad, amirite? Definitely don’t let him hold the Wolverine—wouldn’t want him torn to pieces! Kidding!

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Emma. I don’t know how to say this, but what you did—it hurt. I didn’t think you were like that. Calling the police? Overreaction, much? I know we’re just friends, but I spent a lot of time picking out the perfect frogs for you. I even had a trip to the Maya Mountains of Belize lined up to find you the perfect Bromeliad frog but—well, clearly we can’t go together if you don’t even want me within 300 feet of you. I keep telling myself it’s the middle of the month and you’re always extra sensitive around this time, but if you didn’t like the Wolverine frog, you could have just said so. But thankfully my Uncle Frank’s on the force and was able to intercept the order; he knows how women can sometimes be. He reminded me that it took him two years of sending his wife earthworms. You gotta stay the course. I really think that—what? Next Tuesday? Oh, I…I think I’m free. Yes, I do love eggplant parmesan. Well, all right. I’ll be there with bells on. I can’t wait to tell Uncle Frank.

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Wow. Emma, you look amazing. You actually did your hair! I always tell people how beautiful you are when you bother to wear your hair down. Dinner smells delicious. Sure, I’d love a glass. Red is great. Sure, where’s your corkscrew? Oh—ow! No, no, it’s fine. Just a small cut. You should get a new corkscrew. This one’s got a sharp edge.

Oh? You got yourself a frog? Of course! Yep, bring it over. No, no, don’t tell me. Let me see. It’s…Phyllobates terribilis? You…got yourself the golden poison frog? That is not a beginner frog! Emma, these frogs secrete batrachotoxin. I’m sure you didn’t know, but just touching it—especially with an open cut—can be fatal. So no, I will not touch it. This frog is really dangerous…

Is it hot in here?

No, I’m fine. Just need to sit for a minute. I don’t drink that often, and the wine…the wine…tell me you didn’t put the batrachotoxin in…

Oh. Shit. Emma, what have you done?

The police will…they’ll figure out…oh shit. The cut.

Dammit, Emma. You’ll never find another guy like—

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Copyright Kate Maxlow 2025