Were What? by Doug Hawley

Were What? by Doug Hawley

The childless couple Duke and Jen gave up on getting pregnant the usual way. Duke said “I’m so happy that your artificial insemination was by Ben. We chose the right donor – with our friend Ben donating sperm we can expect a strong, bright child. It was so kind of him to help us get you pregnant when I couldn’t.”

Feeling hopeful about starting a family, Duke and Jen went out walking on the trail next to their house as a full moon lit their way one night when they heard a rustling in the shrubs about twenty meters up the trail. Within seconds a large animal came out and rushed them. Duke, who wrote and believed horror stories, yelled “Werewolf” as the canine / human mutant ran towards them. The hybrid slowed down as it got close and they got a closer look as it trotted up to them. It had the general shape of an Irish setter, but a broader chest, and toes halfway between human and dog. When within a meter or two it began to wag its tail, and open a non-threatening mouth with tongue out. To cap it off, the beast had a green bowtie.

The couple was unable to move caught between fright and wonder. While in that state, the strange animal rose on its back legs and put his (and it was obvious it was a “he”) on Jen’s shoulders and licked her face. It then moved to Duke and rubbed against Duke’s leg. Without thinking, Duke rubbed their new friend’s back. After a minute of that, what Duke and Jen would call the ‘weresetter’ ran away down the trail Duke and Jen had come through.

The shaky couple slowly and cautiously followed the weresetter back to their house without seeing it again. At home they tried to process what had happened. As the house’s werewolf expert, Duke said “Werewolves aren’t the only were animals. There are were birds, were jackals, so why not a were Irish setter? I believe that is what we saw. If true, who is the man who becomes the weresetter? How did the man become were?”

Jen jumped in “We’ve got a really good clue. Who do you know wears bowties, particularly a green one like the one we saw on the setter. I’m tired of weresetter, let’s just use setter.”

“You’re right twice. Ben who lives down the block and setter it is. We can talk to him tomorrow during daylight.”

& & &

Ben let them into his house the next night a couple of hours before dark. After telling him their suspicions, he admitted it. “Yeah, it’s me. But you should know Irish setters. They’re the friendliest thing you can find on this green earth. You might think in setter form I’d kill cute bunnies, but I’m vegetarian in both forms.”

Jen asked “If we believe you, I still have a couple of questions. How did you become a setter, and why the bowtie?”

“The first part you may find difficult to accept, but I swear it’s true. I was at a party and saw something I thought were snacks. After I ate maybe a dozen, I looked at the label and found out they were dog biscuits made especially for setters. The host was a dog guy. The second part is easy to believe. Usually, I get naked before my transformation and just wear my setter fur. Last night I forgot to take my tie off.”

“I’ve told my story. Are the two of you going to tell authorities and ruin my life, or take me at my word that I’m not going to cause trouble?”

Jen looked at Duke and said “You know this is the safest neighborhood in the city. I think we have to believe Ben”. Duke smiled and nodded in agreement.

On their way out, Duke asked “One more thing. Why hasn’t anyone else reported the setter?”

“I guess I’ve avoided everyone else because I’m not as close with the other neighbors as you. One thing about my condition is that I’m always a bit fuzzy about what I’m doing when I’m were.”

A few days later Jen announced she was pregnant. “It was so kind of him to help us get you pregnant when I couldn’t. What a good friend and neighbor.”

Jen’s ultrasound at two months of pregnancy showed a normal male fetus except for unusually rapid development, chestnut fur, and a large appendage. She said “It’s a boy, and look how well equipped he is, just like Ben.”

After a stunned pause, Duke said “First of all, you’re looking at its tail, it’s not what you think it is; second, I thought Ben artificially inseminated you.”

“Oops, maybe I should rephrase that. Just like I imagine Ben. Maybe I got the idea from setter. No, I haven’t seen Ben’s stuff. Artificial.”

Duke believed what she said because he wanted to.

* * * * THE END * * * *
Copyright Doug Hawley 2024