Titillating Physics 101 by Gary Ives

Titillating Physics 101 by Gary Ives

In 1959 15-year old Jerry Hill did not like church.  Sunday school was tolerable only because of Lee Anne Hellman’s tits and Allen Vankamp’s cigarettes in the churchyard.  Lee Anne’s tits had recently become exhilarating to boys.  Between Sunday School and church services, the two boys would lay prone in the grass resting against an available headstone discussing Lee Anne’s exciting tits while hot-boxing Newports.

“Do you believe in hell,” Allen asked.

“Nah, it’s all bullshit, unless you count gym class; gym class could be hell and Coach Spooner the Devil.  What’s your dad say?”  Mr. Vankamp, who taught physics at the university, was held in great respect by both boys in that he seemed to know everything and never talked down to them. 

“My dad says people create their own hell.  I asked him if the hell people created lasted eternally like the hell in the Bible.  Ya wanna know what he said?”

“Yeah, what’d he say?”

He said that yeah, hell is eternal because everything is eternal.”

Jerry pondered this a moment, “A fart?  Is a fart eternal?  I don’t think so.”

“Well you would have to believe this theory my dad tried to explain which says that every instant of every action exists permanently in the cosmos.  So, yeah, your fart would last forever but everything else around it would just keep moving on.?

“Too deep for me, Allen.”

But the idea persisted in Jerry Hill’s head.  Probably for all eternity. Yes, the theory was so much like science fiction, which he loved, He had already wrapped his mind around the idea of parallel universes he had read about in science fiction.  Dr. Vankamp’s theory of every action, thought, and even feelings permanently etched frozen in time in some sort of cosmic deep freezer Jerry found incredibly interesting.  That same Sunday afternoon he rode his bicycle the two blocks to Allen’s just so could ask his questions to Dr. Vankamp. 

“If every little bitty thing is eternal, what I want to know is, is there a way to revisit some action or feeling?  I mean there must be a reason things are preserved.  Could it be like a museum or library?”

“Well theoretically, Jerry, yes, but try to understand it in terms of  time travel.  With that you could revisit that fart Allen mentioned to me because it is always there. Always and forever,” he explained with a chuckle, then continued, “As for a reason? Nope.  No reasoning or morality within quantum physics.  That moral reasoning you and I think of, does not apply.  In the land of physics there is no right, no wrong, no good, no evil and our perceptions of dimensions like time and space are yet to be understood in the context of quantum.physics.  This is new science still in its infancy.  These subatomic particles have not even been proven to exist.  But, like you, I find it most intriguing.

Jerry Hill’s fascination with cosmic eternity plagued him.  He imagined infinitesimal things, intangibles, imaginings being frozen like paperweight of the bug in amber on Mrs. Wingard’s desk in Biology.  He fixed on the idea that once science learned how to go back in time, Time Travelers might disturb that permanence simply by their presence.  Would the Butterfly Effect then spin things into infinite numbers of new universes?  He fancied wars and crimes being prevented, so many mistakes that could be avoided, and the miracle of advanced science being applied to prehistoric events.  Could evolution be tinkered with? Was anything possible?  Anything?  These fertile thoughts so flooded and occupied his mind that he did not notice the stop sign nor the new 1959 DeSoto Firedome that plowed into his bicycle at 35mph twisting the bike’s steel frame and fracturing Jerry Hill’s fragile skull.

For 8 days he lay comatose at Valley Memorial Hospital, his body vacillating between brief moments of wakefulness and hours and hours of sleep.  His fifteen-year old body seldom even twitched, excepting for ejaculations of semen, wet dreams, sometimes erupting like a geyser, other times issuing semen gently like lava flowing down a volcano’s side.  Dr. Justice explained to the nurses that this was a good sign, that the boy’s autonomous nervous system was simply filling in while Jerry slept.  “See, many boys at his age masturbate rather frequently.  Our patient’s probably just staying on schedule, at least his plumbing is.  This is evidence that he’s dreaming, likely a good sign for recovery.”  Jerry’s ejaculations became an attraction with the nurses who monitored Jerry’s pulse on a screen at the nurse’s station. As a rapidly increased pulse signaled erectile function, the nurses would scurry bedside to attend these titillating somnolent performances.

Some at Valley Memorial Hospital held little chance for Jerry Hill’s likelihood of leading a normal life.  They need not have worried.  During sleep his brain was a dynamo churning energy to his imagination.

Jerry imagined that had been issued a card to the Cosmic Library and with this card could venture anywhere, anytime, real, virtual, or imagined.  The Cosmic  librarian at the main desk looked like Mrs.Wingard, his biology teacher, just older and wiser.  She asked if he had ever been to the Cosmic Library.

“No, ma’am.  This is my first time.”

“Well then, let me show you how to navigate.  The gentle librarian led him into a cubical with a 1959 RCA color television console just like the Vancamps ‘set where he sometimes watched Bonanza, in color with Allen on Sunday nights..

“All you have to do, young man, is sit in front of the screen and imagine your choice.  But first select the proper channel.  See this knob, the universal channel selector?  You rotate this slowly until you see your subject, the console will be helping you; it is thought controlled.  Then simply put on these glasses.”  From the drawer of a little white enameled table that looked like the one by his hospital bed, she removed a case with a pair of glasses with dark lenses.  “Put these on then lean back and relax.  As I said, everything is thought controlled.  It becomes automatic right away.  You do not have to do anything but feel the experience.  You’ll see, it’s easy.  I’ll check on you to answer any questions.  When you are finished please bring the glasses and the case to the main desk.  We sanitize them, you know. All set?”  He nodded and she left.

He turned the channel selector thinking about Lee Ann’s tits, and presto he was in an empty Sunday School room sitting next to her.  No one else was present.  Jerry’s wish for a better view caused Lee Ann to ease from her chair onto the floor.  Now he was seated above her staring right down onto her shallow tender cleavage.  He wanted to see her naked. His mind’s image of Lee Ann naked was based on pictures of classical statues, and photos in the copies of Escapade and Playboy Allen’s older brother hid under his bed.  As this was 1959 certain anatomical features were always obscured.  He had no idea of what a vagina looked like, imagining that it was probably like the fly of his blue-jeans, but without a buttons or a zipper. As he became hard, she began unbuttoning her blouse.  But it was all over before she undid the third button.  Mixed feelings overwhelmed him, embarrassed by the messy little accident in his pants, but thrilled with the new power of thought control. 

He shifted his thought to Dr. Vankamp who was in a classroom discussing a formula on the blackboard with Albert Einstein.  They turned and happily began explaining to Jerry the theory of general relativity.  Physics was a kick in the ass and Einstein a very funny man.  But then suddenly, his mind sprang back to Lee Ann.  Was she still in that Sunday school room?  She was!  She told Jerry in a soft voice that she was going to slowly undress completely so he could see everything.  This time it was over even quicker than before..  She did not even get to the second button.  That was enough, so he returned the glasses and case at the front desk, thanking the librarian who let him know he was always welcome at the Cosmic Library.

He woke briefly, light-headed.  A nurse was sponge bathing him, he was so confused and unsure where he was and was very thirsty.  The pretty nurse brought him a glass of ice water and told him to suck on the ice.  At the word “suck” he returned  to sleep immediately, finding himself again in the Cosmic Library where the same pretty nurse bared her breasts to Jerry and asked him to please suck her nipples.  Even before  his mouth touched her, the geyser spewed.  It was over before it began; it was that fast.

 In a trice and without warning his mind returned to Einstein’s fascinating explanations of time and relativity and quantum physics.  Einstein told him that what Dr. Vankamp had told him was true.  All things conceived are permanent and that time travel to the past may someday become possible.  So, Jerry watched himself  as a little boy, then as a baby being born, then as a fetus in his mother’s womb, and finally as a spermatozoa swimming for all it was worth to outrace about a million others hurling themselves toward the giant sun.  Einstein’s particle physics universe was indeed  miraculous, a beautiful meld of reality and fantasy.

Jerry felt so infinitesimally tiny.  He asked a final question of Einstein about the meaning of “self”.  Einstein chuckled and said that the idea of self was a human created abstraction.  “In his lovely Swiss accent, he told Jerry, “The idea of zelf is folly when  you consider that everything is part of one big zingle existence.”

“But what about the billions of  other universes?:

“Zame ting, all part of the One.”

It seemed too grand to conceive and the heavy thoughts were tiring him.so that he slept without imagining for a long time.  Below his subconscious his mind cogitated and digested Einstein’s explanation of The One.  Little did he know that he would forget all of this, however, something within was immensely satisfied and he knew it was time to awaken.  Whatever had been damaged was now mended.  However, he wanted one more visit with breasts.

He directed his attention to tits, Lee Anne’s and the pretty nurse’s.  Simultaneously Jerry wondered what it would be like to have breasts.  Instantly he raised his hands to the lovely breasts that had materialized from his own chest.  Fondling his new anatomy evoked an immediate arousal with the predictable results alerting nurses for yet another show. “If I were a girl, “he thought, “I would never stop playing with these.”  This time the geyser erupted forcefully, pleasing Jerry as well as the duty nurse.  Awakening half an hour later he sat up in bed for the first time in eight days and asked, “Can I go home now?”

His full  and rapid recovery surprised all.  The wealthy owner of the DeSoto that had crashed into Jerry bought him a new bike and a promise to pay his college tuition at the state university he would be attending in three years, to major in physics.  In his senior year of high school, he and Lee Anne dated until her family moved to Indiana.  And although her lovely breasts remained chastely confined within her bra Jerry had a vague, inexplicable notion that he knew them intimately.


Copyright Gary Ives 2020

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