The Real Deal Dean by Mark Nuzzi

The Real Deal Dean by Mark Nuzzi

Tonight, Dean will soar. Soaring just like the viewership of this channel.

Dean is now in the wings of the arena guzzling an energy drink kindly provided by one of this evening’s sponsors. What motivates Dean, daring to do what others have gone to school for since childhood? Why is Dean so intelligent? How can Dean know things about every subject imaginable, yet cannot hold a proper conversation? How did Dean acquire those pronounced callouses on the pads of both index fingers and thumbs? How does his head of hair and goatee stay the same shade of black week after week?

I know…folks…I know. They’re all galvanizing questions and you’ve logged in for answers. You’ve joined us to witness Dean’s flight through the air. Here are some numbers from the camera personnel filming this event. The sequence of bars dangles an astounding sixty feet above the center floor.

What’s that? No…go ahead, copy that. Really, you don’t know that term? Copy means, I hear you and understand. No, not copy like a clone. Apologies everyone. I need to step away for a moment, returning shortly.

This evening’s entertainment sponsored in part by the male grooming product listed at the scroll at the bottom of the telecast. Use the keyword—RealDeal—for twenty percent off your first monthly order. Miss-Saxobeat, please take the ship’s helm.

& & &

A screenshot of Dean pointing to the sky at a city-park is presented on the background of the online-broadcast and the center tele-tron in the arena. Dean is sporting jeans and a baseball cap. Never would Dean wear shorts in public, unless there’s swimming involved. Dean is sporting a tee-shirt with a graphic from his merchandise store. And the shoes, man they’re fresh. Dean scrubs his collection of sneakers monthly and colors his hair and eyebrows every Sunday morning, the darkest shoe-polish black, before visiting his parents. Limited wrinkles are seen as his fortieth birthday approaches the end of next month.

A cascading line of chat fills the left side of the channel’s screen. One line, another, a relentless parade of text. Things pertinent and ridiculous. Numerous emojis and improper spellings. A knucklehead sprinkled in here and there to add to the spice of the broadcast. The image switches to Dean playing a videogame, a military FPS. A nice action shot. In mid-tantrum tossing a controller towards a wall, Dean’s mouth is agape and face red with matching bulging eyeballs. Dean is wearing another one of his shop’s slogan shirts.

Nets are for fishing and phoneys.

A link is flashed on the screen. They’re on sale for 39.99 while supplies last.

& & &

Okay. Back to business folks. Appreciate it, Miss-Saxobeat. You want me to look into the far left camera…which one? Okay…go it.

Apologies everyone. I was speaking with the audio and video team backstage. The set-up is complete. The trapeze bars are 26 inches in width and 30 inches high. The platform’s rope-ladders have been quadrupled checked. The safety-net that was positioned 8 foot 2 inches above the floor with a length of 200 feet is currently being removed by arena personnel.

Yes, it’s really coming down. There will be no vests or fall-arrest harnesses attached to the rope above. Dean stated harnesses are only for wimps who want to try a zip-line course. And Dean will not be using one.

This is an unexpected development. One sec viewers. This is live you know. The possibility of Dean’s contorted body broken and bloodied isn’t in the script here. Or wasn’t earlier during rehearsal.

A script change Miss Saxobeat? Ahh yes, go with the flow, roger that.

Dean is confident. Dean demands your attention. Dean does not recognize your concern, viewing it as a sign of weakness.

While the crew unhooks the carabiners and removes the posts, let’s head back to what was presented at the beginning of this broadcast. This is going to be a one-of-a-kind performance.

Watching on-line videos about different things you wish to learn is helpful. The art of crocheting is one we’ll use as an example. With repetitive viewing and the proper tools, such as some colored yarn, hooks and a needle or two, you may, one day in the far future, make a pair of gloves. And the best part is, if it turns out horribly, you can just use them as a coaster for your cup of tea. Yes, on-line learning is a great tool for certain things. But for other things, such as mastering the art of the flying trapeze, well, maybe you should answer a checklist about yourself first, then pay the fee and enroll in an appropriate aerial training facility. And just watching videos, well, it may lead to you becoming the flattened yarn coaster instead of the glove being able to grip the bars.

Aside from charitable institutions, which Dean rarely comments on, Dean is a person who does not attend in-person training or schooling or frequent an actual facility to work to pay rent. All intelligence comes from screens. Pictures and videos. Nothing experienced leads to a productive life. Dean prefers remote functions and running piano keys with his digits on a phone to verbal communication.

A brief example…his mother called yesterday to chat about his upcoming birthday. Dean declined the call with an index finger and, instead, had the conversation with both thumbs without hesitation.

It was amazing to watch the master at work, the ease at how Dean decided what was best. Less emotions are required with fingers instead of voice. Way to go Dean. Shallowness is rewarded. Hard work is so passee. Reminded me of my last semi-relationship.

Oh, I see a question in the chat. Someone wants to know about how long did that tryst last?

Not about Dean? Ummm…I think that’s meant for yours truly…that’s unexpected. Uh-oh, I should’ve listened to my own inner voice and kept that to myself.

Oh God, you guys are filling up the screen with chat over this slip up.

Stop it please. I said, enough of that. And you…yes, that’s disgusting. I’m sure your parents are very proud of you and your unnecessary opinion on everything.

What’s that…a hypocrite. I give opinions because it is part of my job. It adds flavor to the telecast. Have you ever watched a football game without commentary? Ahh, yes, I didn’t mean sitting in the stands. You’re right. What’s this now sir? You say you were born during the Nixon administration. That’s very good. I was born during the Clinton years. I agree both presidencies were memorable times for the United States indeed. Got it…I recognize the former president of winning 49 of 50 states in 1972. You’re taking this too far now. Please speak to your local congressperson sir. I’m just the presenter of Dean’s program here tonight. Yes, I’m aware political opinions must be presented in every type of communication and that you are more special than everyone else. Oh okay, yes, I’ll return to the question. Thank you.

No, there was no drama between my ex and me…two people can enjoy each other’s company in many different ways. An example. Aren’t you all enjoying this program, even though many of you are not even really here.

Enough of this ridiculing…no, that’s not nice, she was a first-class lady, just a little different, like we all are. You guys are…nevermind.

I’ll give one comment and move on, you jackals. Okay, I’ll call, or name, textgirl, Daisy. Having a conversation on the phone was as terrifying for Daisy as a flight crashing in the middle of the Northern-Atlantic would be for me.

What’s that sardonic look for Miss Saxobeat? Would you care to elaborate, do my dating escapades intrigue you?

I see…of course. You’re right. Don’t be lulled by the bait of instigators. You’re saying I like to hear my own voice…fine. Right, back to Dean, not me. And yes, I’ll attempt to not be a parrot.

Anyway, Dean would agree that they are both bad, speaking on a phone or crash landing in the ocean, but the first is more life-threatening. I digress, this is after all the pre-game show for the viewers. That’s you all, by the way. Sit back on your preferred device. In class, or in the car driving and learn more about Dean’s rise to this evening’s event.

An estimated 50-70% of the population doesn’t have an internal monologue. Dean is one of them, possessing no inner-voice. Dean does not even know what that means. Oh, Dean has watched shorts about it but fails to replicate it.

That’s right viewers, Dean can’t mentally sing that masterpiece by Mariah Carey every holiday season. Or hear himself internally say, my bologna has a first name. It’s O-S-C-A-R. Just think about that, if you’re able folks. That’s why Dean always types and texts, there’s nothing inside to question himself.

Dean receives a lot of queries and comments and threats while Dean is streaming on-line during reaction videos. The more responses the better for the channel. The host and viewers sparing remotely, results in large Patreon memberships.

Like you. Thank you.

Let’s read Dean’s reply to a comment about his relationship status. Everything you’re about to believe is as real as any post found online. Don’t forget the results of last week’s survey at the top of the hour.

THEREALDEALDEAN: My first ex-wife, she tried to break my mind with deep questions. Said I don’t even understand what I’m not understanding. My second ex-wife, get this, said she married me thinking I would outgrow a high-school mentality and the angst ridden drama. Said I was the embodiment of the flick, The Breakfast Club. Said she thanks the heavens for never having a kid with me. Said that I can’t even take care of a hamster. Whatever…your loss, how many different jobs did you have? I’m sure all the drugs and partying won’t go away when you become a mama. Don’t forget ladies, I’m still accepting applications for the next Mrs. Dean.

This was tremendous insight Dean, on what men and women expect from relationships. We’ll return to the comments a bit later in this presentation.

Back to the inner-voice thing. I’ve never really thought about it until now. Having sounds inside your brain, why would you, when you can use your fingers. It’s not that Dean is anti-social, or his upbringing from using devices from a very young age has led to this way of communicating or learning. It just doesn’t register in his brain to use the other, ancient, way. It’s a natural progression of human evolution taught in grade-school science classes, the same as drawing circles in the dirt or climbing trees for coconuts. I don’t even think Dean knows how to get to the liquor store without using GPS or clean a rain-gutter without watching a video about what a gutter is used for.

Come to think of it, my house doesn’t even have gutters.

Basically, without an inner voice Dean relies on visual imagery, physical sensations, and external cues to determine right and wrong. Dean is never far from a device. Dean has impressive lengths of his lifetime recorded and stored in the cloud. Below is a quote from your cult leader of this channel to live by.

THEREALDEALDEAN: Talking to yourself in front of others isn’t loony, doing it mentally is.

Please visit the merchandise store and show your appreciation. These videos take a lot of work and some money to put together. A purchase of a tee-shirt with Dean’s words of wisdom or a mug with Dean’s handsome face will help. The link’s in the top right corner. Thank you so much.

There was a comment sent to the channel while streaming last year. I’ll paste it below. It was during the weeks leading up to the elections where his lack of inner- monologue proved entertaining.

Arturo122tree: Bro, you’re knowingly recording yourself and screening viewers. The subject matter, it’s partially staged and predetermined. This isn’t having a conversation, it’s role-playing. Very unauthentic. It’s just you waiting to talk and pounce in reply after practicing in the mirror. It’s so sad, everything is practiced role-playing nowadays.

THEREALDEALDEAN: This is my show, bro. The camera shows me, not you. Oh, that’s right. I’m amazing. You’re not. I’m the host, you’re an immigrant in my world. I deport you Arturo. And thanks for the ten dollar donation. Moderator, ban this tree-lover from the chat.

Everything Dean does is realistic and true. Wisdom from life experiences does not exist, only intelligence from remote learning and videos. Dean is quite sure from all the video games played and films watched that Dean can unquestionably pilot a 747 without flaw.

Dean can become a master-chef, if Dean chooses too, without ever having attempted to use a ginsu knife or kitchen scale for proper ingredient distribution before.

Nothing is otherwise, everything and all…he’s Dean. Dean knows anything can be accomplished. His parents and teachers always told Dean that Dean can be anything Dean wants to be. Dean has and will continue to be a star. No, correction. A super-star.

Dean will float through the air with the greatest of ease. Climbing and leaping on a trampoline in the backyard and dominating zip-line courses and watching videos and jungle-gyms antics have prepared him for what Dean will no doubt succeed at. The trapeze.

It’s time for Dean to speak presently because Dean has been waiting with whittling patience the entire time you have been reading this text on the side of the screen while listening to my voice. How dare us impede. So, go ahead Dean, the floor is yours.

“I can be anything! I can do anything! I’m ready! Be there! I’ll never let my public down!”

Thanks for that Dean. We can all feel your bristling pride. Your maturity is a great inspiration for us. Tonight at the NovaStar Circus, downtown, Dean will take to the skies for the first time. And Dean will be fabulous. Remember, Dean told us so.

Let’s take a snapshot of Dean. We can’t do a ton of detail now, but Dean has told me it will be rectified in rebroadcast. We’ll use a top-ten style, like in the videos Dean creates. Simple and eye-appealing fodder for you all.

Notice the sideshow of Dean back in his high-school days in the background as you read. Dean was, in his words, the greatest running back ever at Grover High. In retrospect, Dean was bound for greatness ever since receiving his first participation trophy in the second-grade spelling-bee competition. It along with all the rest of Dean’s achievements line the prominent bookshelves in Dean’s living room below the recessed lighting and flattering pictures of himself and his numerous conquests.

DEAN’S TOP 10 LIKES

1. Trying new things
2. Going to the beach
3. Taking selfies
4. Changing the appearance of his selfies until they are unrealistic and sharing them with the universe
5. Medium-rare steaks and creamed spinach with mushrooms at the restaurant on Friday nights
6. Tailgating with a sinister grin, hoping his recklessness influences those around him in traffic
7. Dogs
8. His Mom and Dad
9. Pro Wrestling
10. Bashing other people’s viewpoints

DEAN’S TOP 10 DISLIKES

1. Having to go into the office two out of the five workdays a week
2. Areas without Internet service
3. Brushing his teeth
4. Eating everything on his plate
5. Being told the world does not revolve around him
6. Being tailgated
7. Authority
8. People that are mean to animals
9. Communication face to face with eye contact, in person
10. Having his viewpoints bashed

Well, I must say, that was an unexpected truly binary introspection, and it was very kind of Dean to provide it for us. Thanks for letting us peek inside of you Dean. You’re a real pro.

Oh, okay. Go ahead Dean.

“Thanks for recognizing all my hardwork. You guys can be like me too. I live for the spotlight! You can bask in it too, just like me. Be me! Go for it! If you think otherwise, then go leap out of your car in traffic.”

Wow. Inspirational Dean. You’re what I wish I was.

Just look at this unprecedented audience participation. Lots of emojis. Tantalizing high-brow commentary. Here, let me highlight some on screen while I grab a quick run to the restroom. Miss-Saxobeat, if you could, please.

Poodle<3Kimberley99: OMG Dean, you just get me. We’re dog-people. Your life and death event is cheering me up. My former SO just dumped me because, in his words, I quit every job I ever had since college, including our relationship, and was just using him for a place to stay. He was lucky to have me. I deserve the best. I’ll miss my most recent boyfriend…perhaps for days. Any wisdomly words Dean? LMK. This may be the last time you’ll be alive. Good luck and lots of love. YOLO

Dayof2000FPSKing: Dude, using a net is not like using a cheat-code. Un-smart amigo.

FleetingStaRRR: Last year’s special was epic and so on point…THE PEOPLE UNDER THE BOARDWALK… and what you did with the pineapples and sand while they were sleeping. Awesomeness! Me and my crew are planning the same thing on the outskirts of Baltimore. Peace out!!!

I81B4U—: This is the worst chat-room I’ve ever been in. Can’t believe I’m paying 49.99 to view this shit.

GreenG00seSh!t: This infodump of Dean looks much better with my monitor turned off.

DarkForestTheoryR33L: @ I81B4U— Then leave the forest moron. And go drink some drain cleaner you waste of space Gen-Xer. Get off my world! I am the universe’s supreme hunter! Praise Trisolaris…your humble servant awaits in Australia. Sophon eradicate me!!!!

2drinks4Adance: Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena

CHAT MODERATOR: MISS-SAXOBEAT: @ DarkForestTheoryR33L Calm yourself down before I ban you. No refunds upon dismissal. @ I81B4U— I’m sorry you feel that way. Please provide a favorable review after the performance.

ParisolMakerJennifer: I’m here because it’s the only way my grandkids will spend time with me.

Ring-A-Ling(8)(8)(9)(1): Your commentary, about the commentary, on the elections was a must-watch on YouTube. Risky, risky. You’re so friggin smart Dean. I appreciate the care you place into your wardrobe. And your face never ages, your hair is magnificent. You’re my favorite person this week. Thumbs up sweetie…

S0SAYweAll: Rules of dating. UNO— always ask for a credit score on a first date. DOS— Ignore everything in the middle, no matter how long they babble, it’s never relevant, focus on when the final sentence from the mouth escapes…that’s when you bob your head and appear interested. TRES— Always bring cash. This is a MUST! If they pull out their phone and begin using it in front of you, drop a twenty on the table and say “You two have a great time…” Then leave and proceed to the next date and restart with UNO. CUATRO— If things are going well, either A– continue date in overtime watering the plants at his or her place or, B— walk to their car, mumble something about having a great time and getting to know you. ALERT–This is where not paying attention earlier may have an adverse effect. So keep it short. Keep it mysterious. Give meaningless hug, wish a good evening and follow up with a shallow text within 24 hours.

Ap3rtur3Sci3nc3: BTW, I feel fantastic, Dean. No net?. WHHHHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!!W00T-W00T. I guess while you’re dying, I’ll be still alive. Ad Astra Dean!@#$! Toodles of noodles! Back to Black Mesa.

1.21Gigawatts: The whole family is here for you Dean. Always a spectacle. Thank you for these years of entertainment. You’re my kids David Copperfield.

Empty2Ketchup2Causer: Dean, great job reading the closed captioned conversations from other reporters. Fake person reveling in fake news. You’re as original as an orange-tree in Florida. Keep using the AI generated crud, you clone of a human. Do you EVER have a sincere thought or just go through life quoting movie lines in your underoos? You’re a parrot, no wrong, a parrot has more WISDOM than you. INTELLIGENCE IS NOT WISDOM. Just keep posting reaction videos on whatever melodrama is happening. You’re as lame as pocket-less jeans. Duty calls Miss-Saxobeat. I need to use the can anyways. I’ll just imagine I’m taking a dump on Dean’s make-up covered clown of a face. You’re as real as the pics on my friends list…charlatans all…

CHAT MODERATOR: MISS-SAXOBEAT: @Empty2Ketchup2Causer A temporary ban of 120 minutes. Follow the rules or you will receive a longer term

Collector0Fhats83: Five greatest wizards 1. Merlin 2. Harry Dresden 3. Lord Voldemort 4. Eric Cartman 5. Nikola Tesla

(–)ICU: Does the announcer of this event even have a name? Well…do you?

Electric)Forest(Magdala: Oh my god. That’s it. No more. The price of eggs are CRAZY!!!! I ordered an incubator off EBAY and am going to hatch my own chickens to lay eggs. I told my husband to get his shit out of the garage…it’s gonna be the new hen house. I mean he has trashbags full of every piece of mail sent to him and every instruction booklet from things bought…ever. God he’s a mess. It’s the eggs or me, and seeing I’m the one who makes the dough around here…well he’ll get in line.

AtrologerBrujaMissJuliet: Come to my streaming channel everyone. I present authentic customized horoscopes. We are all unique sons and daughters of the cosmos, loved by Gaia. Here’s a sizzling snippet fresh off the griddle from yesterday’s chat session. Let me know what ya’ll think on Instagram too! @FaithN0M0re^Ava^: Here’s your specialized, just for you horoscope. ^AvA^, divined from the crater chains of the Phobos Moon in its 73rd rotation around the Martian surface. I see expansion and good fortune ahead if you continue your devoted dedication and membership. Today you’ll have two ideas, one good and one bad. Eating spaghetti with a spoon tonight will mark your soul with great abundance of future joy. The spawning of the Pisces in the pond of reincarnation suggests not to stop at the pub this evening, lest the spirit of last week’s mistake will linger longer.

IsthisJane?: Click here 2 claim. Make money fast. Limited time offer. Act now.

SingLikeGrandeMD: Dean you’re suffering from a phenomenon know as cognitive bias of illusionary superiority. Please don’t do this. It is certain death. Like—you die.

SadKingBilly_@_v: You’re all criminally minded nutcases. I fit right in here.

HohenschwangauDweller: @SingLikeGrandeMD The only type of doctor that can sing, is a podiatrist when they realize they chose the wrong profession.

EvacuateTHEdancefloorKathy1980: Wishing you safe travels from NJ. I’ll be peeking at your jumps through my fingers while my hands cover my face. Maybe it’s time to change gears in your life…just saying. Maybe there was something to what they said. Love ya…Kathy 🙂

SinglikeGrandeMD: @HohenschwangauDweller It’s the Lake Wobegon Effect. Where all women look good, all men are strong and all the children are high intellect. It’s brought on by an upbringing of pampering and having been told since birth you’re special and can do anything. And, yes, singing helps relieve the stress in some of my patients. Try it sometime.

KnightIndustries2000: Day one of paying child support here. Make it worth it Dean, because of you I’ll be forty dollars short next Friday. I’ll tell her I needed the money for gas. You’re worth more.

CREAMoftheCROP(Oyeah!): I fell in love with a girl in Thailand, but she turned out to be named Steven.

Hi!It’sMe54: Your health insurance needs to be renewed. Click here to update your account.

BoomerangGirlSango: It feels like my days at university again. XOXO wishing I could shadow-clone -jutsu you all!!!! Boomerangs for everyone…and remember pinkies up with tea. Drinking it otherwise is bloody mental.

HIP2B[]: Sleep tomorrow, but tonight go crazy Dean!!!!

CrackUlikeCelery: Wait…what? I thought tamales were healthy. It said so online.

AmonsBloodyT: @BoomerangGirlSango Anime references. I’d rather watch Starblazers.

BoomerangGirlSango: @AmonsBloodyT A cup of Earl Gray hot coming at ya from across the Atlantic. Make sure to duck my Hiraikotsu….incoming…

Ageof650Miles: Dean…if you’re going down…I’m going too…Don’t let go…

HazzardCountyNeckRed01: Dean, your channel already extended my lifespan by a couple of decades. As a fool myself, I am so relieved your advice does not apply to me other than as a polite reminder.

Make-IT-S0#1: This chatroom has less online bullying than my 10th grade classmates dish me. Good work Miss-Saxobeat. Wish my highschool was this cheerful.

Break(:-)Free: Wanna be bulletproof in the bedroom? Follow this link to my TikTok store and become the man you were born to be. Which fruit is the best…the biggest one. Limited trial samples available…act now.

Tower1999Gilead: Dean, go then. The room at the top of the tower is EMPTY! I’ve followed your advice for success in the workplace. Staring at my phone half the day makes it so much easier. Going to college for four years getting a degree in music theory was totally worth it now. Born with a screen…die with a screen I say!

77RedSoxLFielder: I once walked past a cow and it mooed.

ComidaMarv: McDonald’s changed their pickles. Nobody has any pride of employment over there. Every once in a while you’ll find a little old lady who cares. Four times I’ve ordered a burger and asked for bacon. And each time they forgot the bacon.

GladiatorMAXiMUS02: @ComidaMarv I don’t eat the crust of pizza because it’s the handle to hold it. And handles are dirty things. And the only time I went to McDonald’s was because of the one legged waitress that worked there.

T0rturerThraxx: My life revolves around not keeping my opinions to myself, down-voting videos and adding biting sarcastic comments to everyone else’s conversations.

LeafRamenVillage: The hawk is out there!!!! God, it’s cold over here!!

KiyomiJAXA: Ganbatte Dean.

ImJoeSchmo1977xx: What I miss? I go around the corner to grab another sixpack and they’re tearing the net down? Is it over already? Where’s he at? Actually I’m so buzzed I don’t even remember where I parked. I think I hit something…I think it was the neighbor’s kid. Oh well he should have been inside playing video games instead of baseball in the street. Dumb ass. Where ya at Dean…

uN-CHaRL3S: It’s never too late…I say, just do it Dean…what’s the worst that could happen. I’m sure Michael Jordan could crush the trapeze no problem. Show ’em how it’s done. Anyone seen the Wonk?

UnderH2Olove: This waiting is longer than NFL Sunday pregame coverage…can we mosey on down the road already?

It felt good to whet my whistle. Oh, I see you’ve been busy with our virtual audience Miss-Saxobeat. Your diligence and professionalism are always appreciated by yours truly. Dean does draw in a rather, how shall I put it, spicy meatball of a crowd. Maybe we should make YouTube videos too. Yes, you and I viewers. Keep writing the scripts and I’ll provide the vocals. And, Miss-Saxobeat, will be the long-arm of online-law. She does enjoy dealing justice, just look at that malevolent grin she’s sporting right now. Don’t mess with the Saxobeat!

Just keep it up everyone, keep posting. We’re nearing the 90,000 live-viewer mark. Now let’s keep our hopes up there as high as Dean will be on the trapeze bar.

What electricity. The people in attendance are chanting Dean’s name. Man…all this, you can be anything, do anything…blah…blah…blah, rhetoric is starting to rub off on me. I’m starting to feel motivated, but unlike daredevil Dean I’ll go rake the leaves in the backyard. It’s safer. Let’s move on. Back to the lead-up to tonight’s center-city main event. Care for some backstory? It is an orator’s duty after all.

Dean has in fact, not been, slacking in his quest to attain trapezeal prowess. Oh hell no. For the past fourteen months Dean has been training like a beast for this upcoming performance. Dean even has an energy drink sponsor, of which Dean drinks four a day. Ahh yes, failing kidneys and rotting teeth be damned.

Did you think Dean wasn’t preparing himself? I think you may have…well I know it’s hard to believe…but you’re wrong. Dean has, let me show you how. It’s called an info-dump. Always believe everything you read. Here comes the stat-list.

38 pounds lost. Now a lean, mean, leaping machine of 167. I admit, that is an impressive feat. I, myself, can’t recall seeing that weight since high-school. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen any beer-bellied fireplugs leap through the air six stories above the crowd like Dean will attempt tonight. So points for him.

“The rowing machine at the gym. And the stair-climber too. I can reach the tops of the pyramids in Giza, that’s how fit I am!”

Whoa! The limelight shines upon us! The internet-legend himself! Dean is here again! I am so privileged! Here sir, use this headset. What a wonderful surprise this is Dean. That’s an impressive leotard as well Dean. Dazzling colors of yellow and black. You’ll buzz from bar to bar like a yellow-jacket! What else Dean?

“Lots of skinless chicken with broccoli. Then the exercise bike for an hour and a pile of pills while pedaling. I wash them all down with a 40 ounce energy drink, double caffeinated! Check out my video link to purchase them here, at the link below us.”

Gracias for diet and exercise tips Dean. Everyone please like and subscribe so the algorithm catapults Dean beyond the trending status, to mainstream cultural phenomenon.

You look a little peeked Dean? Care to elaborate for the viewers this evening? Is it nerves?

“Nerves. Funny, I’m a wrecking machine. As to what you referred to first? Why the hell not. It seems that due to my dieting regiment I have been suffering from IBS?”

I don’t know what that chat lingo means Dean. I’m ashamed to say. I’m sure those on-line do though. Care to share for the paying audience?

“It’s an acronym for irritable bowl syndrome.”

That’s unbelievable Dean! And you’re still going to soar through the skies, without the safety of a net. What happens if you have an accident…from your backside during the performance?

“I’m Dean. I control my sphincter pulsations with a flash of a thought. My colon is a higher test strength than any fishing line. My cheeks are as solid and smooth as glaciers. My bladder is a work of art capable of storing liquids for days like a camel’s hump!”

You heard it from the man folks. Bladder like a camel’s hump…. someone get a tee-shirt with that on it. No mudslides or brown-rivers tonight. Thanks for taking the time with us lower-life forms Dean. Best of luck this evening, we’ll let you get back to it.

There Dean goes ladies and gentlemen. The heat is on! Look at all the cellphones flashing in the audience, like thousands of fireflies. Reminds me of the woods back home on a summer night.

What’s Dean doing now Miss-Saxobeat? I think you’re right.

Dean’s pointing above to the center-most trapeze bar.

Oh my God, the arena is erupting. This is what it must have felt like during the moon landing in 69. The warmth of anticipation is spreading across my body. I can feel the vibrations beneath our feet on the broadcast platform. The opening comedic acts paraphernalia is nearly cleared out from the floor. The removal of two posts and then we’ll be ready to commence our feature presentation. Back to business.

Dean’s height, just under 5 foot 10. Nice and lanky for the bars. That’s a plus.

Divorced twice. What happened to together forever? Both former Mrs. Deans citied the cause of the splits as them eventually reluctantly recognizing that Dean wasn’t going to change. They both stated, erroneously, that Dean is a child in a man’s body. Fun in the beginning, but as emotionally dim as a night light. Here’s a cliff-note folks, it’s called “Peter Pan Syndrome.”

Maybe you know a man or woman like Dean. Or maybe, you are a Dean. Either way, believe me it’s okay, I never judge, I just read what’s on the screens and cards.

Oh yeah, Dean’s current age is 39. Bet you thought he was younger. Yes, near forty. What is untrue is that Dean uses as many facial products as a newscaster.

I apologize, I just threw a bunch of numbers at you, you’re allowed to be confused. Unlike Dean I have patience.

The trapeze training began at the unlikeliness of places, The playground. Dean would take his niece there once a month. She would make sandcastles with her little red beach pail. Which, sometimes, towered an impressive five buckets high. Showmanship must run in the family. I see a great future ahead for her. During the hour spent there, Dean would tackle the trapeze rings, with one eye on his niece’s sandlot antics. There was a lengthy line of ten hoops. You grab and go like a monkey in the treetops. I know you remember them from your childhood. I sure do. Doing pull-ups and flips, full of youthful energy.

As the weeks went by Dean would return during the late evening and leap up. When gripped Dean would close his eyes. Traversing blind from one rung over and over back and forth. In time, Dean began skipping a ring and then reached beyond. Skipping not three, but four, all while tucking up his knees, not seeing. Then backwards without changing his stance. It sounds simple.

What do you think? Is this how you would train to do the trapeze everyone? A gymnast school is for you guys, but not Dean. A different fellow Dean is. Blessed by the gods. A true son of Olympus. Next was the warehouse training with forklifts. That’s right…I said forklifts everyone. Miss-Saxobeat if you would.

& & &

On screen is an image of the center of a large warehouse. Tripod lighting is scattered throughout the area. There are five forklifts in the center, all their masts extended to a maximum height of 20 feet. Each fork is tilted back slightly. Looping around each forklift are yellow high-visibility slings with a beefy length of rope dangling roughly twelve feet above the floor. Off to the right are four shipping containers stacked atop another. And in mid-leap of the image is, of course, Dean. Not a hair is out of place on his head. He is wearing a graphic tee and jeans, never shorts and a pair of slip-on shoes. An impressive game-show smile greets the viewer as his left arm is extended towards the second rope which is stationed ten feet apart.

& & &

That’s a great shot. Don’t you all think? Dean is Tarzan Lord of the Trapeze!

Miss-Saxobeat how’s Dean’s hookup with the networks coming along? Oh, you got it ready? What? Deans is in the gorilla position behind the curtain? Time’s ticking. We’re almost there folks. Why thank you Miss-Saxobeat and magnificent work as always. Yes, please go ahead. Okay everyone. Here’s an unexpected Q and A with Dean, your role model. I apologize, seeing it’s so close, we’ll be taking only limited questions.

Ki$$yFace:)Mimi: Dean, I’m standing in the headlights at the parking lot here at our local watering-hole at the wheat capitol of the world! What did you want to be when you grew up as a kid? I wanted to be a bovine veterinarian!! Every cow and bull needs someone! Luv uuuu Deannnnn!!!!

THEREALDEALDEAN: Hi Mimi. You’re a cattle savior. You go girl! I wanted to be a football player just like every other kid. A runningback in the big-time. Thanks for your support tonight.

!!ByCrom!!: Follower of any religions or cults?

THEREALDEALDEAN: Yes, one third of the year. Every three years.  Next.

iTitaniumMichelle: Dean, typing is not the same as speaking, but I’ll try. To spend your time at the shelter, helping those who have been turned away from so many. Seeing them smile, if only for the briefest of moments, helps them so much. You’re always so deep and heartfelt. Thank you for your creativity and your ability to touch the hearts of so many. Your donations to the family aid shelters here in Nevada are being put to great use. Many lives have been helped because of your generosity. May you shine in the limelight tonight, you do to us already.

THEREALDEAN: You’re most welcome. The shine of jewelry or how many digits a bank account matters to some. I’d rather help others to shine in their own limelight. Michelle, you and your husband are the real heroes. Gracias for the kindness.

VictoriaMartenelliSARAsota: Clay, what was in the package at the hotel? @KiyomiJAXA Hi, how’s Botan?

THEREALDEALDEAN: You got the wrong number lady. No Clays here. Next question…

Flotsamof5NyBRIDgeS: I drink every day, it’s ruining me. But it’s so good. I feel so much more intelligent, like you, after a bottle of wine. I turn up the radio and wonder what happened to my life. Then after the second bottle I think about the deepest pains of my childhood and realize it’s all my fault and not my parents. Any suggestions what to think about with the third bottle Dean?

THEREALDEALDEAN: Flotsam, admit it, you’re wallowing and, frankly, a wuss. Have you considered an exorcism? If not, then change the station of your life and reach for the opposite. Be like me, always something different. TiKTok is the place for melodrama. Try it. I feel so alive on there. True different tastes of our everyday real lives. I watch while on the toilet. It helps with the pushing and sometimes future ideas.

AbraSALLYcadabra: Whazzup Dean. I’m an up-and-coming showman. I listen to your podcasts and they’re soooooooo thought-provoking. You’re an inspiration. And, your sponsors are just so life changing. I also appreciate the unique emoji given for the top tier subscription plan to your channel. That one podcast though, really struck home with me. About the mermaids and merman launching drones over New Jersey and New York was a verbal masterpiece. It makes so much sense now, what you said was the cause. My question for ya is. How about a magician as your opening act instead of those comedians that just talk about the normal race, gender and age gap stuff? I got some examples from my repertoire. Here goes. God this is exciting…I can choose the card you picked in a spread, pull out coins from ears and release doves from out of nowhere. And for a finale, I can even saw someone in half, anyone you need me too. Let me know where to send my video resume too. Thanks for the inspiration to shine just like the northeastern drones.

THEREALDEALDEAN: Hi Sally. Thank you for your generous support. Glad you were able to use the info about the drones to protect yourself. Thanks, but no thanks about the magic act. At events, people like watching and listening to people who belittle one another more than tricking one another…come to think of it what are you suggesting that I really do? Last one.

1/2TRAYofFRENCHTOAST: Life beyond the stars? What’s your thoughts Dean? I think it’s all a story. There is no evidence that alien life has ever visited our planet.

THEREALDEALDEAN: When they arrive. I will be the first to stand in the backyard yelling for them to abduct me. Enterprise…one to beam up! I am after all the most intelligent man on Earth. Time to invade the base.

CHAT MODERATOR MISS-SAXOBEAT: Dean, I know that was impromptu, and your viewers appreciate your pragmatisms and life-guiding insights. Thank you for taking part in this, in what may be, your last Q and A ever. Your time is now.

THEREALDEALDEAN: Time to shine like a Porsche in the hood. I’ll never flinch in the face of fear. I hold my ground like a mountain. Trapeze domination incoming, even with IBS! Nothing means nothing! I am a greater combination of ingredients than the finest pizza ever made. A topping for everything beneath me.

You heard him folks, even with bowels surging to spoil his crisp clean leotard, Dean will hold his ground like a mountain. And, something about an ultimate pizza topping, which is mushroom of course.

Thank you Miss-Saxobeat. You seem to be glowing from his godlike presence. Here, take this seat next to me and rest a bit until your breathing returns to normal. You seem flushed, I know I am. Now let’s get down to it folks as Dean makes his way backstage for a final time. A few more minutes.

Looking above at the trapeze bar and then back to the ground, I admit is a totally different beast without the net present. It looks so much more…hazardous. That’s quite a distance, I daresay fatal for someone who just happens to miss that grab or the next one or any of them. One foot, one inch, one millimeter. All distances matter not if your hands cannot grasp that tiny bar in the heavens. One tiny miscalculation and it’s down…down…down. Ending up flat, stained, and broken like a beverage coaster during last call at the pub.

Enough downtrodden comments. I feel like I’m entering your pristine house viewers, without removing my shoes. I apologize and will kick them off now. But, there is no need for any such trepidation. You’ve seen Dean’s extensive workout and training routines. Remember how Dean conquered the playground, the jungle-gym, the zip-lines, the cargo-straps in the warehouse. And all the studying of on-line trapeze videos…they’re the most important training lessons of all. As Dean will show us tonight. Virtual lessons, virtual jobs, virtual conversations…they all stand triumphant above hands-on lessons at an actual school with other real people. Or getting dirty and sweating and earning a living in the workforce, while bonding with others through those achievements and hardship. The building of a team. And of course, why would you ever need to speak to someone in the real-world with all those on-line skills you’ve created.

I say, when you and your significant other are enjoying a nice romantic road-trip and your car gets a flat tire, do the following. Use your training, like Dean will show tonight, and do not change the flat. Instead, call somebody from the real world to do it. Trust me, you’ll transform into the epitome of sexiness and confidence in their lusting eyes doing that phonecall.

What’s that Miss-Saxobeat? You’re saying you got word the great-one is ready to fly. Oh my god, my heart just skipped a beat. My gut is clenching in anticipation. I can feel the goosehairs on my forearms.

The lights have been killed. It’s really time. All the cellphones shining in the blackness awaiting the greatest show on Earth.

We’re finally here. An entrance of pyrotechnics like I have never seen. The arena is exploding in white blitzing sparks. The spotlight is shining on the walkway towards the pole. The crowd is raucous. The crowd is shouting. They’re chanting. They’re stomping. Their vibrations dwarfing any event ever held here.

The Real Deal Dean is now making his way into the central arena towards the forty-foot pole. A gait of a champion, Zeus’ mortal son, points to the crowd, pirouetting and now fist pumping.

Oh my god, I know I keep saying it. But it’s deafening here. Egad! This is the essence of unreality. The chatscreen is blowing up, it’s text-o-monium. The rampaging of words, cherishing Dean. Cheering him on from all over the globe. They love this guy.

The ladder, Dean is at its base now. Chalking his hands he reaches up. Two arms and one foot upon it, Dean is pausing once more, soaking in this evening’s electric ambiance. Dean is looking sixty feet above at the small curricular platform, where Dean must go.

Folks, I remind you all, the trapeze bars are as high in the air as a bowling lane is long. Yeah, that’s right. The camera crew are now retreating several feet. Oh my god…the lights are staying off, the central spotlamp is now upon Dean, beginning an ascent to immortality. They’re going insane in the stands. Listen to them.

Dean…Dean…Dean. The rope is fluctuating like Jell-o with each step. What could possibly be going through Dean’s mind, how is Dean able to maintain focus knowing what lies for him atop.

That’s it. Dean has grabbed the platform’s handle and has pulled himself onto it, now slowing standing. What stones Dean has. A sequence of lights is cascading the trapeze bars in the distance.

This is the night you’ll be able to tell your children of how the icon Dean soared through the air.

Just picture yourselves in his predicament. Staring into the point of no return. It’s leap and survive or leap to oblivion. No time for a voice inside your head. Dean has or needs none. Dean is looking into the distance at the first bar and now below where the net once was.

His time to shine has come. Dean is slowly fanning his hands. At Dean’s command the crowd silences. Dean is closing his eyes gathering his iron will for lies next.

What’s…what’s happening Miss-Saxobeat?

Really?

I can’t believe it.

Cruel fate cannot mock Dean like this! Unbelievable, I think you’re right.

Ladies and gentlemen Dean is hunching over, six stories above us.

Dean is clutching his stomach.

Dean is tip-toeing.

Dean looks…sick.

No…Do you think so…Miss-Saxobeat? ….Got it. Copy. Yes, I know.

Everyone, I think our worst fears have materialized. Could the pressure upon one man be any more intense? Well, it seems another truck-load of said pressure has indeed been delivered before our very eyes.

I think…I think it’s Dean’s bowels.

You can’t make this stuff up is right, Miss-Saxobeat. This is not the peak of achievement one normally aspires to climb and mount a flag.

Dean is wobbling and has backed up three steps, his heels at the edge of the platform…no…the edge of the Earth!

Dear god, how is Dean able to continue like this. The color of his leotard is changing to a darker shade.

What does the future hold? Look at his determination…. he’s moving! Now dashing… Forward with each step, sights ahead at the nearest bar, dangling above us all!

One… Two… Three…

Dean has leaped from the platform and is soaring into history.

* * * * THE END * * * *
Copyright Mark Nuzzi 2025

Image Courtesy: Sean Benesh from Unsplash