First Sight, Lasting Love by Chitungue Machai

First Sight, Lasting Love by Chitungue Machai

She was getting accustomed to seeing him almost every day. Some days he was with his father as he passed through her stand at the mall. He’d always look at her. She’d always look back at him until each were out of each other’s sights. They didn’t greet each other, but gradually as his comings and goings were so recurrent, that soon they’d have to stop at only looking at each other but let each other know that they were seeing each other and that there was an intent to get to know each other, whether with nods, or simply waving at each other. In his mind he thought, who’d be the first to break the silence; who’d succeed in breaking the iceberg that was forming every time he passed by her stand.

The days were stretching onto weeks, and months of constantly gazing into each other’s eyes and never any action pass that. He was always with his father when he passed through her stand, because he had to get through it first to get into the supermarket. It was the highlight of his day – he hoped it was for both – when they’d have the chance of placing their eyes upon each other. She wished it was every day, all the time, but she knew that life didn’t work like that, and she cursed life’s undeniable crudeness for it.

His father would come pick him up at his job every day. He worked at a bookstore and was a student too. He was a student/worker. They’d go to the mall on occasion to grab some dinner or do the shopping that would result on dinner at home. They wouldn’t necessarily go to the supermarket every day, but he loved going to the supermarket and that was fact, even his father noticed his sudden change of air when it was decided that they would do the cooking at home.

He knew he’d be the one to break the silence and kickstart their relationship, that was his destiny, his mission and job which could result in everything he thought he needed at the moment. So, he decided to greet her with a simple wave when his father wasn’t looking at him or her and she retributed by smiling and waving to him herself. It was the first clumsy greeting that would leave a lasting impression on both, that’d give a huge push to what they would possibly share in the near future. From that day on, they’d start waving and smiling at each other when they had the chance of seeing each other, and when his father wasn’t looking at him or her. His father was clueless; he didn’t know his son sometimes insisted on going to the mall because he loved someone who worked there, and his son wondered what he’d say if he found out about the long-awaited fortunate situation that carried unfortunate probabilities too.

After weeks and weeks of constant waving, his arm got tired, and his mouth was cast to make a scheduled appearance after much ruminating over the past weeks. He said the much-awaited first hello to her after lying to his father that he wanted to check out some sneakers so he – his father – could rush into the supermarket, as he’d find him there. She said hello back, and just when she wanted to extend the greeting, he had already gone inside the supermarket as fear went inside his guts and twisted them around in knots that he had to work too hard untwist when he got home at last.

As far as he was seeing it, he was playing the patience game or using his fear to pretend that he was playing the patience game. He was going level to level, guided by his fear of not botching everything up. He wished to let it all unfold at the right time, when his fear wouldn’t prevent him from doing what he wanted the most. He thought maybe the next time he’d prolong the greeting a little bit further and hopefully strike a conversation. Upon getting out of the supermarket, he waved her goodbye – visibly embarrassed – and she had no other option but to wave too. For the first time in their strange start of a prospective relationship he didn’t care if his father was watching over his every step.

The opportunity for a strike that would award him a conversation, came about when his father sent him to the supermarket alone because he’d be working late and dinner had to be cooked regardless of his late-night work adventure. He knew he couldn’t take long, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to fathom a possibility of not seizing the opportunity of going up a level in the game they were playing. He wanted to win.

“Hi.”

“Oh, you.” She replied startled.

“Yes, me.” He responded.

“How are you?”

“Fine, and you?”

“I’m also fine.”

“That is good to know.”

What he dreaded happened, awkward silence. The kind that makes you think about all of the things you didn’t say, all the things you said but maybe should’ve never been said. The kind of silence that could make a man want to dig his own grave, when you only look at each other awkwardly and hope that the person in front of you has the guts to slice right through it and let it bleed to death.

“I had been preparing for this day for some time now”

“Why?”

“To not let awkward silences get in the way of our conversation.” He responded. “But I guess I didn’t prepare enough.”

“You did, but we can just let it flow too. Be spontaneous about it.”

“What do you sell here? And is there any stuff for men?”

“No, women only. We sell perfumes, make-up and stuff like that.”

“Vanity kind of stuff.”

“Yes, and where do you work at?”

“At a bookstore.”

“Oh, do you like books?”

“Not that much, and do you like make-up?”

“I don’t use make up, and I love books.”

“What kind of books do you love?”

“I read novels more than any other genre, so I think novels.”

“The bookstore where I work at is more inclined to academic, entrepreneurial and self-help kind of books.”

“I don’t like those kinds of books that much, even though maybe I should.”

“No, you should like what you like, keep reading novels, maybe I’ll develop a taste for reading through you.”

“I hope you do.”

“Too bad you can’t develop a taste for makeup.”

“Through you?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“But you don’t need make up, I know that’s a flirting cliché.”

“It is, I’ve seen that in a lot of movies and books sometimes.”

“But it’s a good cliché.”

“I guess so, I’m flattered, so it must be good.”

They both laughed and continued talking until he had to stop because his father he couldn’t ignore his buzzing phone any longer which signalled that his time to go home had arrived.

“What took you so long?” His father asked when he got in the car. “Got distracted with something?”

“Kind of.”

“Was it the new video game store?”

“Yes.”

“That’s the only thing that could distract you.”

“The only thing indeed.”

“You haven’t had a girlfriend in a long time.”

“Girls don’t seem to want me.”

“You must be doing something wrong.”

“I guess so.”

“Did you get everything?” His father said in an effort to change the uncomfortable subject.

“I did.”

“Good, now let us get home, cook some dinner and relax.”

He knew he had to wait until the next time his father would let him go alone to the supermarket in the mall. He knew he had to be patient to get her number and hopefully ask her out on a date and that was the best thing he could ever hope for. He’d have plenty of time to plan his next course of action to go up a level because the thought of improvising wouldn’t tangle his guts all over again. There was no other choice, but to wait and plan everything from that moment forward.

She was puzzled, as to how did it revert to waving when they had already spoken for the first time only days before. She didn’t know what to make of it, but yet she continued on waving at him.

He didn’t want his father to know that he was in love, or that he thought he was in love. He wasn’t sure, but for the sake of everything, he assumed that he was in love with her, it didn’t matter, it didn’t make a difference. He simply knew he wanted to be with her all the time, let her talk about her day and hopefully have some moments to speak about his day too.

He had to wait a whole month, but his father eventually trusted him once more. He decided to go straight to the mall and not wait for his father after he got off work, to spare time obviously and be efficient, he said in advance to his father.

He approached her stand, and he knew that that was the day where everything would change, that maybe happiness would rush through him like a waterfall.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, and you?”

“I’m fine too.”

“Now, you can talk.”

“Now, I can talk.”

“Did you have a speech impediment?”

“It might’ve been your face.”

“What did it do?” She asked looking for a mirror to check her face.

“You’re just too beautiful, I was too stunned to speak.”

She didn’t respond and simply laughed.

“I didn’t talk to you because of my father.”

“I get it, but I was going crazy these past few weeks.”

“I didn’t notice.” He laughed cheekily.

“I’m glad.”

“So, can I get your number?”

“You can, just because of the beautiful comment. Excellent flirting.”

“Flirting’s not even my forte.”

“It seems to be.”

“I was just being me; it wouldn’t have worked if you were kind.”

“No, it was good, you caught me off guard.”

“That’s my thing from now on, catching you off guard.”

She dialled her number on his phone.

“Lucy, huh?”

“So, what’s yours?”

“What’s mine?”

“What’s your name?”

“Ray.”

“Okay, Ray. See you whenever I see you.”

“Maybe on a date next Saturday.”

“Maybe, we’ll talk about it, obviously.”

“That counts as a yes.”

“And as a no too.”

“We’ll talk about it.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

He didn’t know what bit him. He wanted to know, he wanted to thank it, because he had never been that good with flirting. His plan didn’t even float past his mind, he didn’t remember upon gazing at her beautiful face, and button-nose, freckles and clear cheeks. His palms were sweaty and his mind fogging as he moved further away from her stand. He didn’t dare look behind to see her. He wanted to go home, sit and relax, and get on with his life, and get right on to scheduling their date.

So, the date was scheduled from the moment he called her, and she picked up the phone as if she was waiting eagerly for his cal. He found out that she was the same age as he was, but she had already finished college and was waiting for an opportunity to go abroad for her masters. He was in his last year, because he didn’t make smart decisions at the end of middle school. She loved books, and he loathed them. It was somewhat weird to her, as to how did he end up working at a bookstore when he absolutely hated books and didn’t want to have anything to do with them, but in the end she advised him to pick up a book, not the books that filled his workplace with students, business man or woman, or self-help junkies but a novel, or a short story collection just to start, or poetry.

Saturday was her day off, but he had to work in the morning until 2pm, so they agreed to meet at 4pm. She wanted to give him time to at least take a shower and change clothes. She saw that as being reasonable. They decided to go to the same mall she worked in, the same mall he did his shopping in because it would be a familiar place for both, and there would be nothing to be nervous about, but his palms didn’t care about that. As soon as he saw her on the other side of the street, waiting on the sidewalk for the traffic light to turn green, his palms forgot that, and sweat came to them as if he was washing his hands. He looked at her, waiting for the traffic light to turn green, she looked at him waiting for her, not noticing that he was already nervous and she didn’t even get close to him yet. That was her superpower.

In his mind, he thought maybe he really did love her. He wasn’t assuming anymore, he knew it, there was no space for doubts any longer, because what his hands were doing to him was a torment he could only attach to love. It was as if love at first sight existed, because ever since that first time he saw her, he couldn’t think of anyone else when he listened to a song – it didn’t need to be a love song –, watched a movie – it didn’t need to be a romantic movie – or tried to read a poem or a novel – unsuccessfully – trying to force himself to read books upon her recommendation, or when he was at work bored out of his mind just to pass the time, which was every time.

Eventually, the traffic light had to turn green, so she crossed the street, and it started, the most awaited occasion ever since 2 months ago. The wheels of destiny were getting in motion.

“How are you?”

“Fine, fine, and you?”

“Fine, too.”

“Aren’t we dumb?”

“Why?” He asked.

“I work here, and now I’m here on a date with you, a regular costumer here.”

“I don’t see a problem with that.”

“Then maybe there might not be none.”

“There isn’t, you’re just overthinking or trying to play with me.”

“It’s just funny, you’ve got to admit it.”

“It is, and that’s the fun about it all.” He responded.

“It’s a good story to tell our friends.”

“It is, it really is.”

They went inside the mall and stopped at a fast-food joint. They ate while trying to get to know each other more. He paid the tab, because obviously society expected him to, because he invited her and it was his job to pay for an experience that would be enjoyable to both. He was aware of it all, so he came prepared.

“I wouldn’t have minded splitting the bill.”

“That’s new, and a refreshing one at that.”

“I know, but it’s only fair.”

“Except society doesn’t think it is. They believe in the narrative that who invited has to pay.”

“If that made any sense then I shouldn’t have accepted it.”

“True. If you didn’t accept it, you wouldn’t feel like splitting the bill.”

“Splitting the bill is reasonable and more than fair.”

“I believe it to be so, but don’t worry.”

“I won’t, but society sometimes is too full of little expectations that don’t make sense and probably are created to make dating even more difficult.”

“If I had to say something, I’d just agree, but it is what it is and that’s how the world operates.”

“We can get some ice-cream to forget about society and their fucked-up expectations.”

“We can, and let’s.”

“My treat.” She said.

They had their ice-creams and proceeded to learn more about each other at each lick, as they went through the mall and its shops. Browsing for clothes, and videogames respectively, but the date had to come to an end, as the evening was also drawing to an end, as the clock hit 9:00pm. Cabs were the only way they could get home as they lived on very far opposite sides of the city. Getting separate cabs was the only way they could save time and get home early and win the night that was getting darker and darker, but their conversation wouldn’t let them go to the cab stop outside. It was getting better and better, as they took the advantage of the conversation going so well to schedule the 2^nd date, for the next Saturday.

At the end, they had to leave because the shops were also closing. They stood outside immersed in conversation, when suddenly silence fell over them and the cab stop was filled with cabs, they only had to choose which one they would respectively hop on to get home. In the midst of the silence, he decided to fill it with words as they stood there outside only looking at each other, not sure of what to say, overthinking what to say.

“I love you.”

That cut right through the silence, it might’ve even bled for all he knew – the silence –, because she stood looking at him for a while until she said what she said, that might’ve just cut right through him and left him bleeding on the sidewalk. Afterwards she said goodbye and stated that she was looking forward to the next date. He simply waved and let her get in the cab.

If unrequited love was supposed to feel like that, then he didn’t want anything to do with it, he thought, as he got in his cab and went home.

Days passed, but his routine didn’t change. Week in and week out, every other day of the week, he’d go to the mall with his father, but now, one thing changed, he wanted to go with his father more than ever. The Monday after the Saturday incident, after he had tried to keep in touch with her over the weekend after what happened in the cab stop outside of the same mall he was stepping into, he decided that he’d no longer prolongate the humiliation she had put him through, that was almost deliberate in his view. She chose to say what she said and leave without saying something concrete about what he had said. He didn’t reply to the last text she had sent the day before – Sunday –, neither did he pick up the phone when she called Monday morning. There was still love, but he didn’t want to perpetuate the humiliation and hurt he felt by continuing talking to her or waving at her when he passed through her stand.

She was surprised and almost hurt, but she comforted herself with the assumption that he simply didn’t see her or that he was concentrated on some other thing. She was sure that when he got out, he’d wave at her or at least look her way. But she learned that you can never be sure of how another person will act towards you, that there’s always a surprise. He simply passed through her stand once more, and didn’t say a word or at least look her way. It was almost as if she was a spectrum, that he couldn’t see, and it was because he really couldn’t, it was simply because he didn’t want to see.

The week went on, and so did the torture he was putting her through without she even knowing. He was simply minding his business and moving on with his life after the humiliation he went through, having his crazy feelings belittled that way. She’d text him and he wouldn’t answer, she’d call him but too he wouldn’t pick up the calls. The day of the date came, and she gambled with herself that he would show up, but she stood alone right where he had said those sweet words she wanted to say back but was afraid. She was certain that he’d come, but when the wind started moving the trash around and the moon appeared, she knew in her heart that he wouldn’t show up after all.

She got into a cab, after the humiliation she went through in her perspective. She knew that calling him or texting him wouldn’t be of any effect to him, he didn’t care anymore. She didn’t do anything wrong she thought about it over her sleep. She spent the whole night awake trying to figure out what she did wrong, but she didn’t succeed, so to her maybe the problem was with him. Eventually, after much ruminating over what happened, she fell on her sleep, almost accidentally because she still wanted to think about it and try to find a solution to it.

More weeks went by, turning the predicament into months and still his routine didn’t change. She’d occasionally break her vow of not texting or calling him, and regret right after because he wouldn’t break his vow of never talking to her anymore or acknowledging her existence. They’d go on like this, she waved at him at times, and him not even daring to look her way. It was a war of decisions, and eventually one would have to cave.

One day, his father would do something that he knew would have dire consequences to his peace of mind, but he had to do it or there would be no dinner. At least he had the car with him for the day, as his father was working from home. He decided to pass by the mall later, when she probably would have closed her stand, so that he would be able to go in and out without being bothered because he was without the protection of his father who was unaware of the whole situation.

He thought he had won when he didn’t see her in her stand, as it was closed. He went into the supermarket, did his shopping and precisely when he was on his way out distracted with the thought of getting home safe to eat his dinner, there she was waiting for him by the mall’s entrance and exit for those who wished to exit. At this time, he wouldn’t be able to ignore her, he had to end it once and for all, he thought and knew from seeing her face for the 1^st time in months. She had to talk to him, and end it once and for all, no matter the outcome, she thought.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Where can we talk, in private?”

“In the parking lot, by my car.”

“Okay.”

They walked towards the parking lot. He was in front, and she was following him. She didn’t dare say a word about it, she just let the moment go on, the time for talking would show itself in due time. She wanted to tell him that she loved him too, and hope that it would do something to their unfortunate situation. He just was focused on getting to the parking lot to end it all, and nothing else. Eventually, they got to his car and there was indeed no way out of the whole predicament.

“So? You want to talk. Talk.”

“Firstly, I would like to say I’m sorry for whatever I did, even though I don’t know what I did.”

“Then you shouldn’t be sorry.”

“You’re acting like this, so I think I should.”

“That’s up to you. Anything else?”

“Yes.”

She paused and tried to look directly at his eyes, but he didn’t meet hers.

“I love you too.”

“Too little, too late.”

“You don’t love me anymore?”

“I do, but that’s beside the point.”

“Why?”

“You might think that you didn’t do anything wrong, but you did, at least to me.”

“What did I do?”

“I told you I love you, and you simply laughed and said what you said.”

“So, that’s why you’ve been acting this way.”

“Yes, do you remember what you said?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Repeat it.”

“I said thank you.”

“That was what I should’ve said when you said I love you just now.”

“You still have time, I’m about to say it again.”

“You don’t need to; I don’t wish to hear it.”

“Wow, I really hurt you.”

“Yes, it was humiliating.”

“Isn’t what you’ve been doing to me humiliating too?”

“Honestly, I don’t care.”

“Your attitude has been hurting me, and I didn’t say I love you because I felt it was too soon.”

“So, you couldn’t have said that to me?” He asked. “And don’t you think I was hurt when you said thank you?” He added.

“I could, but I wanted to say on the next date.” She replied. “It didn’t even cross my mind that I had hurt you that day.”

“Your opportunity passed the minute you laughed and got on the cab. You’re inconsiderate and I thought you were kind.”

“I was, but I am sorry. I love you; I didn’t want to seem needy or lonely and that’s why I didn’t say it back.”

“So, to you I was being needy or lonely because I declared my love for you?”

“At that time, yes. That was why I laughed.”

“That was childish of you and that is all I will say right now.”

“Love is patient.”

“I would’ve been if you had at least said something about the situation.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven.”

“But love is too void of any kind of expectation.”

“I only expected you to at least say something to relieve me of my nervousness, but I now get what you’re trying to say. By me saying I love you, I shouldn’t have expected anything from you, not even a response or nothing of the sort, right?”

“Ideally, yes.”

“But it doesn’t work like that, because now you’re expecting me to say I love you too, and then resume what we were working towards, right?”

She didn’t answer.

“But I’m not going to do that. You were childish and inconsiderate, and I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“You’re being childish and inconsiderate now, because you’re not interested in accepting that I made a mistake.”

“I love you, so we have that in common.” He said. “We both think each of us is being childish and inconsiderate while not acknowledging that fact ourselves, so that’s why I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“You’re hurting me, but that’s okay.”

“Honestly, you hurt me too that day, and with time you’ll learn not to care.”

“I can only hope to be as heartless as you are being right now.”

“I can only hope to be so deluded as you’re being right now to say what you said.”

He got on the car and left. She went to the bus stop, as the winds moved the trash around the city once more, as the people were rushing to get home too. She was hurt, but she knew eventually everything would eventually fall into place, after she acknowledged that maybe she had been inconsiderate and childish that day, and that probably cost her happiness. He was in the car, driving home, in his mind acknowledging that maybe he was too harsh, but he was right. He had to be, to feel at peace and at ease as he was feeling at that moment, even after his father called him getting mad about why he was taking too long.

They continued seeing each other almost every day, and every day the flame of their love at first sight would diminish, but they knew it wouldn’t die completely, it would last for too long, long after they get married and have children. It wouldn’t be the same as it were in the start, but there would be remains of each other in each other’s hearts left to be erased, but they’d realize that maybe they’d have to live with for all eternity. They could only love each other in silence, because neither of them would cave, in their battle of principles. Be intentional or be patient. Neither won, as they’re weren’t together and wouldn’t be together forever, and their love wasted, as spilled water in the ground, representing their prospective relationship that a mop will surely wipe away and let it dry.

* * * * THE END * * * *
Copyright Chitungue Machai 2026

Image Source: Ands Mahardika from Unsplash.com